Resolving Conflicts at Home

Adults can learn to model and teach children to solve conflicts in nonaggressive ways. This can help them form friendships; cope with frustration; and reduce the likelihood that they will have behavior problems—including aggression—later in their lives. By learning and using problem-solving strategies to deal with conflict, parents show children how to deal with conflict themselves. In addition to teaching by example, parents can also directly teach children these skills, adapting them to the child's age and development.

Understanding aggression and how children express it can help parents as they teach problem-solving skills. Aggression is defined as a hostile action intended to cause harm to others. When children are frustrated, they will display aggression differently according to their age. Infants and young children (up to about 3 years old) display instrumental aggression that is object-oriented. They want an object and will be angry and upset if they can't get it and keep it. Older children (from 3 to 8 years old) will also display relational aggression that is person-oriented. This type of aggression can involve hurting another child physically or with words to gain dominance or revenge.

When teaching children nonaggressive ways to deal with frustration and solve conflicts, it is important to take into consideration their age and developmental stage because brain development, life circumstances, and environment can influence children's behaviors and responses to behaviors.

When young children are fighting or arguing, the parent needs to get between them. Kneeling down to their level, the parent can listen to the children’s description of the problem and ask the children to think of ways to solve it. The parent can guide them to a fair and nonviolent solution. If it works, the parents can praise them; if it does not, they can try another approach. If one child clearly has been hitting or picking on another, the parent should speak to the victim first, allowing him to say what he wants and how he feels. The parent should encourage the victim to face the bully and say how he feels. It is important that the bully not get more attention than the victim.

For the youngest children, teaching by example is the best approach.

At about 3 years old, parents can begin teaching children simple skills, such as how to express how they feel, and some steps to making choices.

At ages 4 to 5, children start to understand consequences of their acts and can think of more than one way to solve a problem.

At ages 6 to 8, children can understand other's points of view, can use verbal communication, and begin to internalize moral rules for behaviors.